My wife and I just returned from our postprandial ramble around our lovely park. We were on our way home, walking down a narrow pavement (US: Sidewalk) when, in order to manoeuvre around a lamp post, I stepped into the road. Normally, I would have stepped into the middle of the pavement, but my wife was there, so I took the easy route. Good thing I did.

As soon as I stepped aside, a woman in a four-wheel drive, handicap humvee zoomed by. There was no time to react. It was just a whoosh and she was gone. My wife, no longer in the middle of the pavement but standing against the fence on the far side, looked at me and said, “I heard her coming.”

Wheeeeeee!

Well, I had not.

Now, I have absolutely no problem with people using handicap vehicles, nor am I adverse to sharing the pavement; that is not what this entry is about. It’s about people coming up behind you and assuming you know they are there. I don’t even have an issue with them assuming I’ll move, because—not only from simple politeness, but also for self-preservation—I will.

But coming up behind someone, at speed—be it in a souped-up mobility vehicle, a titanium-frame racing bike, or wearing £257 Nike Air Zoom trainers—and assuming the person you are bearing down on can hear you and will move out of your way within the 0.69 seconds before you run them down is making a huge, well, assumption.

So, in the event that anyone reading this has any intention of coming up behind me as described above, let me spell this out for you: I CANNOT HEAR YOU.

Outta my way! What? Are you deaf?
Well, now that you mention it…

And I cannot imagine that I am alone in this. Granted, my hearing is worse than it should be (ear defenders did not exist when I was happily shooting guns as a boy) but there are many others in this town who I know also wear hearing aids, and they must share similar experiences.

They do not, however, have the benefit of my wife as a walking companion, interpreter, and protector. Many times she has grabbed me by an arm and pulled me to the side of a path just as a cyclist zoomed by or a jogger lumbered along. I have to admit, I find this a little irritating—it’s akin to finding someone in a wheelchair blocking your path and taking it upon yourself to wheel them out of your way—but I much prefer it to being run over.

I’m tempted to suggest a law making joggers wear bells, but bikes and mobility scooters already come equipped with warning devices, and they do no good. First off, many do not use them, and when they do, it only makes things worse. Hearing a “ding” merely makes me stop and think, “Where is that ding coming from?” as my wife pulls me out of harm’s way.

But the absolute worst is when a cyclist, or an occasional jogger, gives the standard verbal warning.

There I am, walking sedately along a bucolic path in the park, enjoying the serenity, when suddenly I hear: “ON YOUR RIGHT!!!”

This is so startling, rude, and meaningless, that all I can do is freeze, then turn around, coming face-to-face with whatever is bearing down on me and, in a panic, think, “Whose right? My right? Their right?” until my wife pulls me out of harm’s way. Again.

ON YOUR RIGHT!

As noted above, I am all for sharing the space, and have no problem if you want to zoom, cycle or jog. I am willing to give you the room, if you will just give me the chance. So, before one or both of us comes a cropper (not my wife, she’s already well out of the way) here are a few tips I’d like you to consider:

1. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!

Really, do you need to go that fast? If you’re training for a cycle race, there must be better places to do a 45 mile-an-hour time trial. And if your mobility scooter has a top speed of 37, that doesn’t mean you have to peg it every time you’re heading to the shops.

2. Be aware that not everyone has bat-like hearing, or the reflexes of a 16-year-old gymnast.

I am lucky enough to be in good nick, and I want to keep it that way. But “good nick” at my age does not mean I can run the 100 metre hurdles in under 15 seconds.

And that’s pretty much it: if you’re driving a mobility vehicle, riding your bike, or testing out your new running shoes, please be aware that not everyone knows you are coming up behind them. And behave accordingly.

But skateboards and scooters, have at it; I can hear you from the other side of the park.