Some time ago I got it in my head that I ought to start feeding the birds, based solely on the fact that there was a handy feeder-hook attached to the side of the bin store. And some time after that initial thought, I put it into practice by buying a bird feeder and a bag of feed and hanging it up (the feeder, not the bag).

Within minutes, it was covered in squirrels.

I’m a country boy, so I sorta saw that coming, but I figured they’d get tired, or full, after a while and let the birds have a go.

Weeks later, on my third bag of feed, I realized I had not seen a bird and was, in effect, simply feeding the squirrels. So, I took the feeder down, and thought about it. Now, a lot of people who are a lot smarter than me have spent a lot more time thinking about this same problem, but I was sure I could outdo them. And, after a while, I got an idea.

The first thing to do was not use the bird-feeder hook by the bin store. It was too far away from me and too close to where the squirrels lived. So, I bought a bird-feeder hanger, two new bird feeders and a big bucket o’ bugs (dried, that is). Then I hung the feeders out just beyond my balcony/porch (don’t tell the housing association) and waited for the squirrels. It took a while, but I finally figured out how they were getting at the feeders. And I thought I knew a way to stop them.

I bought a roll of thick acetate film and made a baffle, and that worked until it didn’t. So, I made a larger baffle, and then they started jumping from the balcony railing, heaving themselves through the air and catching the feeder’s pole as they got near. So, I constructed a barrier out of the acetate, which gave me hours of pleasure, watching the squirrels leap from the railing, splat against the nearly invisible barrier, and slide to the ground like Wyle Coyote from a rock painted to look like a tunnel.

That, of course, lasted only a couple of days. Squirrels are nothing if not determined and tenacious, and they have a lot of free time (I mean, it’s not like they were late for a Pilates class or neglecting to pick the squirrelettes up from rodent day care). They’re also clever and, apparently, perpetually hungry. Their successful work-around, however, was almost as satisfying as their failures. They would leap from the railing, but not aim for the pole. Instead, they would do a fly-by, and stretch toward the feeders, hoping to snag one with their claws. This didn’t always work, and even when it did, I did not begrudge them a meal, for they had clearly worked for it.

I made a larger barrier, but just the one time. It took them a few days to work out how to get around the new, bigger, better one, and although I could have fashioned an even larger one, it would have just been a tiresome escalation, so I just let them have at it.

After a while, however, I got tired of feeding squirrels. I let them empty the feeders and I didn’t bother to re-fill them. I took down the baffle and the barrier. And I thought some more.

What came to me were two simple ideas—one for each feeder—but I didn’t hold out much hope for either of them.

First, I got a squirrel-proof feeder. These have been around for yonks, and I never believed in them. Why would I? They were too simple, and squirrels have too much time on their hands. It was nothing but a cage, designed to let small birds in and keep squirrels out. But squirrels can wriggle into the tightest of spots; I didn’t believe it would even slow them down.

Second, I hung the other feeder from the balcony ceiling. Thinking ahead, I hung it as close to the edge as I could, so any scattered seeds and bird droppings would land on the grass instead of the balcony. Or me. But even as I hung it, I saw its weak spot: the squirrels could easily climb up to the balcony above mine, hang over the edge, and get at the feeder that way.

Oddly, none of these events happened. The squirrel-proof feeder has lived up to its name, and the hanging birdfeeder hasn’t even been investigated. It’s as if they just gave up. To tell the truth, I’m a little disappointed in them; I thought they’d show more initiative. Or maybe they’re just not hungry enough.

Whatever the case, I have not seen a squirrel on or near the feeders in weeks.

Unfortunately, I have not seen a single bird, either.