Postcards From Across the Pond

The other day, while walking past the Skate Park, a notice painted on a wall caught my attention. It read: The Earth is Flat. And it opened my eyes.

I wish I could thank the brave rebel who risked an ASBO for daring to print the truth. I admit it has taken a while for me to see it, but after viewing a few TikTok videos, I was beginning to question this spherical earth thing, and that message pulled me into the light. The earth is so obviously flat. I mean, look around you. If it was a sphere, like the Globetards insist, we’d fall off. It is so idiotically obvious.

Yet, despite this empirical evidence, the lying Globetards still control the message. And we need to put an end to that.

I and my newfound comrades (we have resistance fighters all around the globe) are putting into action our plan to save the wilfully ignorant population from themselves. If they refuse to see the truth, it is incumbent upon us to make them see it. But we have to start small, by putting the Enlightened into local politics, where they can oversee the removal of Globe-lit from our libraries and books stores. And County Councils, once we field successful candidates, can help remove dangerous propaganda and misinformation from our schools and universities, bringing truth to the unenlightened.

The national level, however, is where we can really make a difference. Getting there won’t be easy: we’ll need to educate the masses about the evil Globetards—how they are pushing the Government to waste billions on so-called “Space” research (those are your taxes going into their pockets instead of buying food for your children), when we know the stars and planets are just lightbulbs in the sky about twenty miles above us—and convince them of the dangers inherent in clinging to this out-dated belief. But once we do, the Truth will flourish.

We’ll rename the Globe Theatre to The Flat, remove any references to a spherical earth from literature, science, or religion, and pass laws to assure compliance. Recalcitrant, criminal Globetards, will be required to wear Globetard Deely Boppers to better identify them. Failure to wear them: prison, refusal to give up their criminal beliefs: prison, sympathising with Globetards: prison, aiding and abetting Globetards: prison. Harsh, maybe, but the Truth must be embraced, and this evil continuance of misinformation must end. There is no place in a civilized nation for those who cling to such idiotic, outdated, and clearly false notions; they are a danger to those of us who have the strength that comes from Knowing.

Once the heretic voices of the criminal Globetards and their sympathisers are quelled, and their resistance silenced by the New and Enlightened Laws, peace and prosperity will reign. But until that time, it will be a difficult path, and those who oppose us will try to colour us as the bad guys, even as we speak The Truth, and selflessly rid our nation of these terrorists.

But we will not lose heart. We will never surrender. The rapists and murderers of the criminal Globetard gangs will be defeated, and punished, and we shall attain peace.

By. Any. Means. Necessary.

Denouement:

For the love of everything holy and good, please tell me you understood that the above was A) not true (I have not fallen into a Flat-Earth Conspiracy Rabbit Hole) and B) Satire. I realise satire is often a bit too close to irony for many to grab, but rest assured, I am simply attempting to point out the absurd by being absurd.

Please don’t firebomb my house.