We’ve all seen those lists, the (pick a number) Things You Should Do Before You (pick a euphemism—attain room temperature, take the dirt nap, buy the farm). Now commonly called The Bucket List, they tend to contain things like Visit the Taj Mahal, Swim the English Channel, Climb the Matterhorn, Take a balloon ride over the Serengeti or similar non-accessible feats designed, it would seem, not to inspire, but to lower your self-esteem.

I’m on your side, really I am; I know you have your hands full just trying to keep up with all the CSI franchises, when would you possibly find the time, money and physical endurance to do something like “Take a boat trip the entire length of the Nile” or, “Stay up all night and watch the sun rise over the Rockies”?

So I’ve put together a list with you (and me) in mind. It will make you feel better about yourself because you can probably tick all of them off right now and just get on with your day.

1. Fold a piece of paper in half
2. Visit the mall
3. Eat in a restaurant (McDonald’s will do)
4. Make a cup of coffee (or tea)
5. Buy a newspaper
6. Stay up and watch the late news
7. Take a nap
8. Buy a head of lettuce
9. Watch a movie
10. Smell the flowers
11. Have your hair cut
12. Take a bath (a shower will do if you’re in a rush)
13. Sleep in
14. Make a list
15. Yawn
16. Listen to the radio
17. Complain about the weather
18. Walk across the street
19. Sing (or try to; no one has to be listening)
20. Make another cup of coffee
21. Just sit
22. Open a door
23. Try on a new pair of shoes
24. Look in the cupboard
25. Say “Hell-o” to someone
26. Complain about your heating bill
27. Answer the phone
28. Swear (if you are a sensitive soul, a euphemism will suffice)
29. Clip your toenails
30. Ask a question
31. Check the time
32. Browse
33. Look at the moon
34. Sniff the milk to see if it’s gone sour
35. Wear shorts
36. Pick your nose (really, there’s no use denying if)
37. Admit you’re bored
38. Make another cup of coffee
39. Compliment someone
40. Tell a joke
41. Sit in a folding chair
42. Weigh yourself
43. Make toast
44. Break something
45. Fix something
46. Go upstairs
47. Wear a hat
48. Dither
49. Peel a banana
50. Speak in a funny voice
51. Scratch yourself surreptitiously in public when you think no one is looking
52. Talk loudly and slowly to a foreigner
53. Stand a coin on edge
54. Seal an envelope
55. Ask a rhetorical question
56. Cross your eyes
57. Wait in a queue (for those of you playing the US version – wait in line)
58. Forget someone’s name
59. Lock the door
60. Check to make sure it really is locked
61. Check it again
62. Make another cup of coffee
63. Step on the cracks
64. Chortle
65. Complain about the government
66. Over eat
67. Light a candle
68. Wince
69. On the day after the clocks change, note that, “It’s really 11 o’clock” when someone tells you it’s 10 o’clock.
70. Stand on one foot
71. Nod in agreement with someone who is clearly talking ballocks just to keep from getting into an argument
72. Check the mail (for those of you under 25, e-mail will count)
73. Wonder why
74. Recite a limerick*
75. Open a window
76. Stretch
77. Change your mind
78. Hold your breath
79. Look at yourself in a mirror
80. Give in
81. Curl your tongue (or try to)
82. Walk barefoot
83. Talk to a child
84. Feel the rain
85. Whistle
86. Admire a sunset
87. Ask a silly question
88. Take a drink of something and say, “Ahhh” afterward
89. Equivocate
90. Have dirty thoughts
91. Skin your knee
92. Celebrate someone else’s success
93. Mine your belly button for lint
94. Do the “I’m a Little Teapot” song. With the motions.
95. Take part
96. Give money to a stranger
97. Be brave
98. Be kind
99. Leave something unfinished

—————————————————————————-

* If you don’t know any, you can use this one. It was the winner of a contest to see who could use “Lewinsky” and “Kaczynski” (Ted Kaczynski of uni-bomber fame) in a limerick in the most creative way. I admire the author for avoiding the obvious rhyme:

          Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
          What Kaczynski must surely have known
          That an intern is better
          Than a bomb in a letter
          When deciding which way to be blown